update

Two years!  I can't believe its been that long since I've last looked at my blog.  I guess I did have a lot of time back then.  Now there is much less free time.  I'm full with jobs and responsibilities.  But life is still perfect. 

What's new?

I'm married!  I married the most wonderful woman in the world over a year ago.  It's been the best year of my life and I can't believe that that part of my life has turned out so well.  I always expected to have a good wife, but I really didn't know that I could find someone that was perfect.  I mean really perfect.  She's the woman I've always imagined marrying and I couldn't be happier.  I literally couldn't be happier.  More on that later.

I have a new job.  My first job out of school, which is the last thing posted on my blog, was a pretty good job.  It was what I wanted to do, but not the specific field and it wasn't a very secure thing.  A year ago (actually the same day I got married) I got a job at a local Christian school as the jazz band director, music teacher, and drama teacher.  It's such a perfect fit for what I want to do and what I'm good at.  I love going to work every day.  I know it's hard to believe but I literally get excited every morning to go to work and do my job.  I'm pretty good at it, too, and that's a great feeling.  And it's real money.  I mean, it's not like I'm rich now, or even well off.  But I make a little over the industry standard for a new guy in my field.  It's enough to keep us happy for sure.

There's more, like a dog and a car.  But I'm running out of time.  I felt like I needed to let my blog readers know what's up.  Nothing could be better.  And I really enjoy writing this blog so I may do it again soon.  Or I may wait another 2 years to write a blog post.  Where will I be then?

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Work

There's not a ton of bad things you could say about me. Well maybe there are, but I generally wouldn't agree to them. But one label that could fit me is lazy. It's not too bad. I did graduate from high school and get into college on a full scholarship. And then I graduated college. And then I found a great job right out of school. So it's nothing that has impaired my ability to do what I'm supposed to do. I would just define my laziness like this: doing what I need to do and nothing more. There was a time in my sophomore year of college where I worked very hard. I made good grades on all 18 hours of school. And I worked 30 hours a week as a cashier at Wal-Mart. But I didn't like it. My job wasn't interesting and I was just too tired all of the time for no reason. To me, there was no point.

I've always been one of those guys that wanted to graduate and then retire. I just want to spend time with family and do what I like to do. I always thought that if I had enough money, my life would be divided up between playing with my kids, playing music with friends, playing golf or something like that, and watching the sunset every night. Work to me seemed dumb. It seemed like it's what people have to do to live. They don't enjoy it. It drains them. People only do it until they can finally stop doing it for a couple years, and then die. It seemed tedious and mechanical and boring and dreary.

But now I get it. I don't know why it took me so long, but I get it. I absolutely love work. I love putting on a tie every morning and making sure I look professional for my bosses and my students. I love driving to work with the rest of the working people in the city. I love waiting at red lights with them and wondering why we're only going 40 mph on the highway. I can't get enough of actually doing my job. I love making kids sit still and teaching the same kid 20 times where to put his fingers on his saxophone. I enjoy them thanking me at the end of every class. I love being able to do my job and I love doing it as good as it can be done. I try to be the best band director I can be. I love working at home. I feel great when I get to talk to parents on the phone every evening. And then I answer their emails. And then I get to write out music for some of my more advanced players. Then I can work on fliers for the my next assembly.

I was not like this in school. If I didn't see the point to doing my humanities homework, I didn't do it. If an assignment was too easy or irrelevant, then there was no point in even looking at it. I didn't let schoolwork get into my free time after school; that was the time I had fun and did what I wanted to do. School was something I went to because I had to. I had to get that degree, but I wasn't going to work any harder than I had to. But now I understand working harder than I have to. I want to work harder than I have to. I love working harder than I have to. School has never been fulfilling, but going to work every day is the most satisfying thing I've ever done. So I give it my all. I've never been so tired, but I've also never been so happy about being tired. The thing that stands out most to me is how fulfilling work is. It makes me feel substantial and complete.

Another amazing feeling is earning. Not only does my work emotionally fulfill my soul, but it fills my bank account as well. There is absolutely nothing like making my own money. I'm not really sure why it's different. I've made plenty of money before. But it might just be the fact that I'm now able to commit everything to my job, and the pay reflects that.

The word "work" has never meant anything good to me. It made me think of slave labor or of the plodding, repetitive, daily grind. But now work is a pursuit. It's my endeavor, my profession. I realize that I still do enjoy the weekends. But not as an escape or a liberation. But as a time to rest and get ready for the next week of work.

I can't wait until Monday.

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Happiness

I am the happiest man in the world. A lot of people might say this because of one thing. They have a lot of money, or they have the best girlfriend in the world. Well although I do have the best girlfriend in the world, the answer is much deeper than that. I guess the question is why I am I the happiest man in the world.

Here's the easy answer, I'm a Christian. I have joy from Christ. Scientifically, this would be the only answer. It's the only thing that has constantly been with me since I've been the happiest man in the world, which has been about 8 years now. But I know some Christians that are the saddest people in the world. So that doesn't make sense. I think the joy of the Lord is the source of my happiness, but I think I figured out how it works.

Let me show you how I think, maybe that will show you why I'm so happy.

Fall is my favorite season. The weather is perfect, it's not too hot anymore. The leaves are beautiful. There's a tree in my front yard that turns the most beautiful colors, I love to watch it change. The sky is often covered in blue clouds. I love the look of my neighborhood when everything is blue. And the World Series is so exciting.

Winter is my favorite season. I guess I'm still a kid because I love playing in the snow. I love snow days. I like sliding on ice. I love when everything is shut down because of the ice. Everything is so beautiful when it's covered in snow. Christmas is wonderful. And I love the cold. I get to wear a coat, and I love wearing coats. And I can make my chili as much as I want, and I love my chili.

Spring is my favorite season. It's nice to be able to be warm again and not have to worry about wearing a coat all the time. Things come to life in the spring. The flowers bloom and the trees bud. It's a time when we can go back outside and play baseball. Or we can sit on a bench and enjoy nature. It's nice to be able to just roll the windows down in the car, or even to drive a convertible with the top down.

Summer is my favorite season. It's finally warm enough to go swimming, and I love swimming. Baseball season is in full swing and there's a game everyday to watch. But the best part of all, school is out! There's freedom, free time to do whatever I want. Summer is the time for vacations. Time to spend with family and in new exciting places. It's the only time of year that we can see fireworks. And it leads into my favorite season, fall.

See what I mean. Here's another example. If we're at dinner and you ask my what my favorite food is, the answer will almost always be whatever I have in front of me. Why? Not because I lie to myself or to you. But because I am content. If I had a Mexico Lindo taco in front of me, there is no reason to want any other type of food. I like those tacos, and they're right there. And when it's summer, there is no reason to wish it was any other season. I have summer and I should enjoy it. It's really as easy as that. I realized why the grass is always greener on the other side. We all know that it's just because it's on the other side. So my reasoning is that if the grass is always greener on our side, we'll be much happier people. And if we're happier people, then the grass really will be greener on our side.

It takes a little more than that, I guess. I had to learn to really appreciate what I have. Take my car for example. Some people would focus on the fact that it has massive amount of hail damage. They might point out that my only cupholder broke and now I have to put my cup in the passenger seat. They would say that I pay twice as much in gas than most of my friends. They could point out that the check engine light is almost always on and every driver side windsheild wiper I buy doesn't work. But when I look at my car I see completely different things. First I notice it's completely mine. I make no payments to anyone else for it. I bought it straight up with cash. I see the new tires I bought a few months ago. They'll last a long time. I see that I have enough space to put all my basses and amps, even my string bass. I see that it's more comfortable than most other cars. I see that it has a CD and cassette player, and I have to have both. I see the attractive leather seats. I see the room for 4 of my friends. I see the ample lighting and the working air conditioner.

I really appreciate what I have. I focus on the good and realize that the bad isn't really that bad. I learned to do that years ago. I'm not sure how I figured it out, but it sure works. I literally am the happiest man in the world. That's no joke. Can you find anyone happier? So try it sometime. It works.

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Conflict

I learned a lot of things in school that I didn't believe, or didn't want to believe. One of those things was that all stories have to have conflict and resolution. I was taught that there are different types of conflict: man vs. man, man vs. nature, man vs. self, etc. After comparing that to all the stories I had ever heard or read or had seen in movies or tv, I realized it was the truth. There has to be conflict to make a story good. Or, at least, there always is.

Even in music, there has to be conflict and resolution. Harmonically speaking, a song that never used conflict would be only one chord the whole time. The melody would have to stay on one note. And the rhythm would need to stay constant and steady. There are no songs like this for one reason: that would stink. No one would listen to a song like that. Even atonal music, which is sometimes made only of conflict, provides some sort of resolution at the end of every single piece, even if that's only silence at the end.

But I really want to not accept this. I don't generally like conflict. I think that's the point. People don't like conflict, so they like to see it resolved. That's why stories are so appealing. But I don't like the creation of conflict in the first place. But on the one hand, I don't like to hear about conflict, but on the other hand, stories would be worthless without it. So what would conflictless stories look like?

Star Wars
There is no empire. The republic runs the galaxy. Han Solo and Leia fall in love and live happily ever after. Luke gets really good at flying spacecraft and using his lightsaber for games. There's no need for storm troopers and everyone has droids that do all their work. All people sit around and are happy.

The Bible (I'm not trying to say it's fiction, but it is a great story)
Adam and Eve never eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. They always worship and bring all glory to God. Satan doesn't exist. Sin and death never entered the world. There is no need for Jesus. Adam and Eve never had kids. They stayed in the Garden of Eden forever and were very happy to have each other and God.

Hansel and Gretel
They go on a walk through the woods. They don't get lost. They live happily ever after.

Jaws
There is no shark, the beach is fun. And no one gets sunburned.

CSI
No one died. Everyone gets the day off.

You get the picture.

But writing this, I still have to say that I don't accept this. Maybe no one else would want to hear any of these stories, but I think I would. A few of my favorite movies have conflict in them that I could do without. A Good Year is about a British business man visiting southern France and falling in love with it and with a woman there. Of course, there is some conflict in it, but that's not what makes me like the movie.

But it's not about the conflict, its about the resolution. The resolution give us a sense of completion, which is very important to us for some reason. When a story is over, we can rest. But can there be resolution without conflict? I don't know. Why do I ask so many questions in this blog? I don't know that either.

So that's one of the things I think about. What do you think?

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manners

My father taught me a lot of things over the years. I didn't realize until recently how powerfully one of these lessons has affected me. "You teach people how to treat you." I don't think I can recall one specific time when he's said that. I can't even imagine a scenario where he would. But I know Dad's said that to me dozens of times.

I've definitely taken that advice to heart. It's a strange thing to think about: how do you want people to treat you? I guess I've subconciously answered that. So this is my attempt at a concious answer. I, like most other people I'd guess, want to be respected. I think people will do crazy things for respect. Some people will do anything for it. I don't think there's a better word for how I want to be treated: I want to be shown respect.

And how is respect shown. I've recently realized how important manners are to me. It's important that people are polite, even people I've known all of my life. Is this weird? Should I be ok with rudeness of my closest friends and family? I really don't know that answer, but I know that I do expect it. I want those around me to use "please" and "thank you." I expect my friends to be generous, and be grateful when I am as generous as them. I want them to be considerate of my feelings and my situations. And, of course, I want to be around people who will appreciate my politeness towards them. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, and that is with respect.

So back to teaching people, how do I do that? I can't issue them report cards. I don't want to punish disrespect with violence or any other threat. It's kind of pointless to beg for it. My only real option is to only deal with people who deal with me correctly. Again, is this normal? I guess it's hard to know what normal is. I know that I have no idea. But how would anyone else?

I've found that my solution has a problem. There are a lot of people that I used to be friends with that don't treat anyone with respect. They have no tact and don't even know what "considerate" means. Not only are they ok with rudeness, they sometimes embrace it. They are selfish and/or self serving. They are deliberately judgemental and haughty. I think there are only very rare situations where any of these qualities are good. I was friends with these people when I was younger, though, not much. I guess I've grown a lot in the last year. I liked them because they were funny and talented. I guess I never understood that that didn't make them pleasant to be around.

So I guess I have a solution to my problem that comes from my previous solution: new friends. There are a few of my current friends who do have manners and are considerate. I don't know how they got there, but I really appreciate them. But for the most part I don't want to deal with those other people. So I won't. I'm entering a whole new part of my life. From child to adult. I guess I'm going to have to get rid of those child friends, and get adult friends.

I still have so many questions. Why aren't these people becoming adults? How do I get rid of friends? What should I do about family members who don't treat me with the respect I require? I can't just ignore them. How do I find new friends who know how to be polite? Are my standards too high? Am I being dumb?

Obviously I don't have all the answers. Do you have any ideas?

One of my favorite movies, Blast from the Past has taught me that "manners are a way of showing other people we care about them." I only want to be around people who care about me.

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simple

I've recently started to enjoy a TV show. It's not so strange except that this is an old show, its been around for years. And it's a cartoon, and I'm generally above the age of normal cartoon watchers. It's a show called King of the Hill. It's about a man named Hank Hill, a propane salesman living in Texas. The thing that really attracts me to the show is it's values. Hank has a family and a job, and his whole life is about doing his best at work to support and enjoy his family. It's funny to watch him deal with modern, complicated issues like workers comp, yoga, and various social issues. His ways of dealing with these issues make me very happy. He can't believe that people can be dishonest. He's appalled by the notion. And he lives a very simple life of hard work, loving family and friends, and doing what the Bible says. I love it.

I think I know why the show was set in Texas. I had a conversation about the differences between northeners and southeners today. I've noticed this in college. My friends from the north have very different mindsets than those in the south. People from the north know what hard work is. They are some of the hardest workers I know. They find meaning and identity in their work. The people I know from the south also work hard. But they usually won't place their meaning and identity in it. Of course, I am generalizing, and there are always exceptions. But if you look at my life as an example. Whatever my job is, I'll work hard in it. But acquiring money and advancing is not my only goal. Money is definitely a good thing to have. And it's important to make enough of it. But I think that hapiness can and should be found in simpler things.

There's a song I like. It was actually made up for a TV show, a cartoon I like as a kid. But it was sung by Randy Travis. Here are the lyrics:

You can offer me a diamond-plated pearl;
You can send me all the riches in the world;
You can tempt me with the palaces of kings;
I'd give 'em back in a big ol' sack and keep the simple things

I've got the simple things; I've got the rain in spring,
Got spicy chicken wings, and French-fried onion rings

You can line me up a mile of limousines;
For me it don't add up to a hill o' beans;
I got no hankerin' for grabbin' your brass ring;
It's crystal clear - I'll stay right here and keep the simple things

I've got the summer breeze, got 16 cans of peas,
A two-speed window fan when it's 93 degrees,
So forgive me for not grabbin' your brass ring;
It's crystal clear - I'll stay right here and keep the simple things
It's crystal clear - I'll stay right here and keep the simple things

I love that song. More money is not the ultimate goal. Hapiness can be found in french-friend onion rings or, my favorite, "a two-speed window fan when it's 93 degrees."

So that's my idea of keeping life simple. I think people add too much complication to life sometimes. So keep it simple.

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contentment

I have a problem. My future is very bright, extremely bright. I'm not saying I'm in constant state of torture in my current situation. Things are going great and I am still the happiest man in the world. But there are incredible things to come, I think. There are events and situations that I have anticipated since I have been able to anticipate. My problem is not that I am lacking, or that I have nothing to look forward to. My problem is that I want to be in the future now.

When we were kids, we like to watch stories about peter pan and the kids that never had to grow up. Was that our wish too? I remember singing the toys"r"us commercials that said I don't want to grow up. I don't remember now if I truly wanted to stay a kid forever. But now I'm glad that I'm not still a kid. I'm glad I've grown up. And I don't want to have to wait for the benefits.

I want more than anything to be married. Some people don't think about that. Some don't even want it. But ever since I was a kid, I wanted a wife. And I wanted to be a husband. I have literally been looking for a wife since I was 12. To me, that relationship is the cornerstone of life. I've always felt that the joining of two people into one is a sacred and essential act, and I am restless to make that decisive commitment as soon as I can. I don't think I can explain why I am so eager. Some people would call it an evolutionary urge. Freud would say something about imitating my parents. I really can't tell you. I just know that from the start, I wanted a family. And it seems that the older I get, the more kids I want. It's just something I don't fully understand, but it's a desire that is impossible to control.

Fortunately, I've found the perfect woman. She won't agree to that, but I don't think the perfect woman would. I've found a woman that somehow meets everyone of my insane requirements. And then she surpasses my every expectation And then she somehow fulfills every desire I've ever secretly felt but never spoken. And on top of all that, she loves me as much as I love her. And she'll say even more. I've found the woman I want to marry. I've found the woman that I want to wake up and fall asleep next to every day for the next hundred years. I've found the woman I want to love and cherish forever.

But that can't happen now. And it's driving me crazy.

Somewhere within myself, I found a little wisdom on the subject. I told her, and myself, but mostly myself, that it's no use wanting to be in the future right now. Because no matter how hard we want it and how much we talk about it, we still will have to wait. So I've resolved myself to be patient, to be content with where, and when, I am. People who live in the future seem just as pathetic as people who live in the past. So I need to live for the now. I can't wait until I'm older. I should not just be treading water or marking time.

So there's my problem. I know it's probably the most insignificant problem anyone has ever had, but it's the biggest one I face right now. I'm not sure how to keep myself from this passion of eagerness for the future, but I must resolve myself to be quell my restlessness and be content.

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wasted gifts

I was listening to a podcast today, like I do every day, and a woman was talking about how people are "an accumulation of detail." She said that most people are used to "not fully belonging or being one thing." And I thought about it. She was basically saying that no person is one thing. There are a lot of stereotypes about people and occupations and positions, and they're mostly true. But they're not completely true. I just watched a mob movie. Are all gangsters only concerned with whacking people, embezzling money, and eating cannoli? No, that's just a big part of it. Most people are a synthesis of beings.

So what am I? I think I ask this question too much, but let me answer it. I am a Christian. I am an American. I am a bowler. I am a movie watcher. I am a poker player. I am a podcast listener. I am a big fan of Dr. Pepper. I am an iPhone owner. I am a comedian. I am a Diplomacy player (great game by the way). These are individual identities that each come with their own stereotypes and clichés. But the category that my identity most resmbles is musician.

I love music. I've been a big fan of it since I was a kid. I've always loved listening. But then I discovered singing. Singing was great! You could sing whatever or whenever you want! So I joined a church choir, and then a boys choir in my town. I loved it. I could hear the notes and hit the pitches. It was easy and fun. Then I discovered instruments. How wonderful! That opened the door to theory, the order and system of music. I've always like to figure out patterns, and music was full of them. I taught myself scales and songs on the guitar and piano, and then the bass. I learned how to play the trombone in school. It was all patterns. If I heard a song, I could figure it out, and I loved figuring it out. But that wasn't all. Not only did I enjoy it for it's own sake, I got severely rewarded for it. My parents would brag to friends and family about me all the time. They always told me how good I was. The audience always applauded after I was done (I didn't know that it was just because I was a little kid). My mom always told me she was proud of me after I had finished a song. My dad was quick to buy me instruments and lessons. Music was great.

And that's how it all started. I still can't tell you completely why I love music. A lot of it is because it's easy. It wasn't til I got to college when I realized I really am good at music. I just thought no one tried hard enough. But eventually I realized that the theory of music, those patterns, came much easier to me than anyone else. It's a very, very strange thing to comprehend and embrace. That means I didn't do one thing to be good at music. I've met dozens of people who have little to no musical ability, but they love music just as much as I do. Some would really love to be able to do what I take advantage of every day. What I have is a gift.

I met a guy a few months ago that I didn't really like, but he said something that I will never forget. He was a friend of a friend, and we all went to an ice cream shop on a Friday night. We were planning to go play some video games afterwards. He was a friendly enough guy. But when he found out that all of us were musicians, he said, "You know, I just don't understand. There are so many people that wish they could have the talents and opportunity to play music for just one night, and you're all talented musicians that are about to go play video game. It's kind of a tragedy." Wow. That seriously affected me. That was a very heavy truth. And it's something I want to change. I tried to change after that. But it hasn't stuck. We'll see how that goes.

I mean yeah, I use my musical abilities. It's pretty much the only thing I ever get paid for (unless this blog thing works out). I'm in a few separate groups that have fun and meet. And now I'm realizing that's all for money too. But when do I ever play music for fun? How dumb am I? This will change.

It occurs to me what I'm doing. I have the biggest TV on the block, but I never watch it. I have the coolest car, but never drive it. I have the most beautiful wife, but I never kiss her. I have the tastiest steak in the world, but I never take a bite.

What gift are you wasting? Or is it just me?

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an audience of one

I was reading something on the internet today that gave the statistics for the number of people who follow blogs. The thing that stuck out to me in this article was that most blogs have "an audience of one." Like I said, I think I can put words on a page together and make it fairly interesting. But I would never think that I am better at it than even half of the world. From the start, I expect to have no more than an audience of one. I told someone that I was writing a blog and their response was, "Can you make any money off of it?" I don't think they understand the point.

So now I'll tell you what the point of this is.

1. It keeps me busy. Like I've said before, I don't have a lot to do right now, and this seems like a productive way to use my ample time.

2. It's a record. I know that I'll enjoy reading this in the future. I don't necessarily care about what other people think about this, but I know it'll be entertaining for me.

3. Writing out my thoughts and ideas helps me organize and decide what I really think. I've often had to many opinions within myself. I have been known to argue with myself. I think that if I have to publish something to the world, I'll think it out and come up with my best decision.

So far only 3 people know that this blog exists and 1 knows how to get here. I'm basically writing for myself, but if anyone else finds it interesting, good for you.

I found a game online I enjoyed, mostly because you can do anything you want to accomplish the goal. Here it is in case you want to try it out.

http://bored.com/games/play/270/Contraption.html

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"from time to time"

I'm a podcast junkie. I listen to 25 hours of podcasts a week. I listen when I'm driving, trying to get to sleep, waiting lines, or whatever else. They are a source of entertainment and education. I really enjoy listening to podcasts. The quote "from time to time" comes from one of my favorites. I also assume that I will post these blogs from time to time. You know how it is. You start something and you want to do it a lot. Then it gets boring or unrewarding, and you stop. So I won't post daily or weekly or monthly, just from time to time, whenever that may be.

I believed I also promised to tell you why I started writing this. There are, of course, many different reasons. First of all, I don't have much to do during the day right now, and I've somehow convinced myself that this is productive and a good use of my time. Also, I took an English class last semester that I absolutely hated, but it did remind me that I think I'm good at putting things into words so they are interesting and well-put. And as far as content goes, I think I have an unusual view of life. I'd definitely like to share it, and I thought you would like to read about it.

Like I've said before, I'm the happiest man in the world. I'll give you an example from last week. Last week, I was a counselor at a church camp. I came specifically to help with the music. I'm a bass player and they needed a bass player, but I also had the responsibilities of a counselor. I talked to the kids, played with them, and kept them in line. On the way there, one of the kids, who I know well, said something about how it really ticks him off when...ok, I really don't remember what it was what ticked him off. I actually think it was something about people driving poorly, which doesn't make sense since the kid is 11. But I told him, "Let me tell you a secret. The less things you let tick you off, the happier you'll be. The less annoyed you let yourself get, the less annoyed you'll be." I don't know where that came from. I've never heard it or thought it before, and certainly not out loud. But I realized it's how I live.

Red lights are annoying. They are really annoying. Have you ever been at a red light that never changed? There was no one coming for miles in either direction, and it would not hurt anyone if that red light would change so you could go. You did have places to be, it's not like you had all day to sit there. I used to fight that every time I sat at a red light. I had to tell myself that it doesn't matter what I think or say or yell, that red light is going to change when it was programmed to. It doesn't care where I have to be and when. It doesn't know that I'm staring it down and I'm ready to go as soon as it changes. It doesn't care that I'm angry with it. It doesn't care about anything. And unless I know how to program the lights at the intersection, there is no possible way to change it. Once I realized that, everything was different. The time was just there. If I was to be late, I would be late. That realization brings incredible freedom.

Once this realization was applied to everything else that makes me mad, I no longer get mad. I am free from anger and frustration. That's helped me become the happiest man in the world. I don't know what else to say about it. That's it. So I'll post again later. I'll tell you something else about who I am or what I think or something. Until next time.

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