contentment

I have a problem. My future is very bright, extremely bright. I'm not saying I'm in constant state of torture in my current situation. Things are going great and I am still the happiest man in the world. But there are incredible things to come, I think. There are events and situations that I have anticipated since I have been able to anticipate. My problem is not that I am lacking, or that I have nothing to look forward to. My problem is that I want to be in the future now.

When we were kids, we like to watch stories about peter pan and the kids that never had to grow up. Was that our wish too? I remember singing the toys"r"us commercials that said I don't want to grow up. I don't remember now if I truly wanted to stay a kid forever. But now I'm glad that I'm not still a kid. I'm glad I've grown up. And I don't want to have to wait for the benefits.

I want more than anything to be married. Some people don't think about that. Some don't even want it. But ever since I was a kid, I wanted a wife. And I wanted to be a husband. I have literally been looking for a wife since I was 12. To me, that relationship is the cornerstone of life. I've always felt that the joining of two people into one is a sacred and essential act, and I am restless to make that decisive commitment as soon as I can. I don't think I can explain why I am so eager. Some people would call it an evolutionary urge. Freud would say something about imitating my parents. I really can't tell you. I just know that from the start, I wanted a family. And it seems that the older I get, the more kids I want. It's just something I don't fully understand, but it's a desire that is impossible to control.

Fortunately, I've found the perfect woman. She won't agree to that, but I don't think the perfect woman would. I've found a woman that somehow meets everyone of my insane requirements. And then she surpasses my every expectation And then she somehow fulfills every desire I've ever secretly felt but never spoken. And on top of all that, she loves me as much as I love her. And she'll say even more. I've found the woman I want to marry. I've found the woman that I want to wake up and fall asleep next to every day for the next hundred years. I've found the woman I want to love and cherish forever.

But that can't happen now. And it's driving me crazy.

Somewhere within myself, I found a little wisdom on the subject. I told her, and myself, but mostly myself, that it's no use wanting to be in the future right now. Because no matter how hard we want it and how much we talk about it, we still will have to wait. So I've resolved myself to be patient, to be content with where, and when, I am. People who live in the future seem just as pathetic as people who live in the past. So I need to live for the now. I can't wait until I'm older. I should not just be treading water or marking time.

So there's my problem. I know it's probably the most insignificant problem anyone has ever had, but it's the biggest one I face right now. I'm not sure how to keep myself from this passion of eagerness for the future, but I must resolve myself to be quell my restlessness and be content.