manners

My father taught me a lot of things over the years. I didn't realize until recently how powerfully one of these lessons has affected me. "You teach people how to treat you." I don't think I can recall one specific time when he's said that. I can't even imagine a scenario where he would. But I know Dad's said that to me dozens of times.

I've definitely taken that advice to heart. It's a strange thing to think about: how do you want people to treat you? I guess I've subconciously answered that. So this is my attempt at a concious answer. I, like most other people I'd guess, want to be respected. I think people will do crazy things for respect. Some people will do anything for it. I don't think there's a better word for how I want to be treated: I want to be shown respect.

And how is respect shown. I've recently realized how important manners are to me. It's important that people are polite, even people I've known all of my life. Is this weird? Should I be ok with rudeness of my closest friends and family? I really don't know that answer, but I know that I do expect it. I want those around me to use "please" and "thank you." I expect my friends to be generous, and be grateful when I am as generous as them. I want them to be considerate of my feelings and my situations. And, of course, I want to be around people who will appreciate my politeness towards them. I try to treat others as I want to be treated, and that is with respect.

So back to teaching people, how do I do that? I can't issue them report cards. I don't want to punish disrespect with violence or any other threat. It's kind of pointless to beg for it. My only real option is to only deal with people who deal with me correctly. Again, is this normal? I guess it's hard to know what normal is. I know that I have no idea. But how would anyone else?

I've found that my solution has a problem. There are a lot of people that I used to be friends with that don't treat anyone with respect. They have no tact and don't even know what "considerate" means. Not only are they ok with rudeness, they sometimes embrace it. They are selfish and/or self serving. They are deliberately judgemental and haughty. I think there are only very rare situations where any of these qualities are good. I was friends with these people when I was younger, though, not much. I guess I've grown a lot in the last year. I liked them because they were funny and talented. I guess I never understood that that didn't make them pleasant to be around.

So I guess I have a solution to my problem that comes from my previous solution: new friends. There are a few of my current friends who do have manners and are considerate. I don't know how they got there, but I really appreciate them. But for the most part I don't want to deal with those other people. So I won't. I'm entering a whole new part of my life. From child to adult. I guess I'm going to have to get rid of those child friends, and get adult friends.

I still have so many questions. Why aren't these people becoming adults? How do I get rid of friends? What should I do about family members who don't treat me with the respect I require? I can't just ignore them. How do I find new friends who know how to be polite? Are my standards too high? Am I being dumb?

Obviously I don't have all the answers. Do you have any ideas?

One of my favorite movies, Blast from the Past has taught me that "manners are a way of showing other people we care about them." I only want to be around people who care about me.